Monday, 6 October 2014

Not so sensitive to insensitivity...but...

Considering very few people know about our TTC issues, I have still heard the usual things.  "At least you know you can get pregnant" (...true, but I don't know if I can STAY that way), "It will happen eventually" (vague...but yes, I hope so), "Have you tried _?" (didn't work, or no.  Just, no.), and "Have you considered adoption?" (...we are just starting out here, and hullo, free treatment if I can get my ass under 32 bmi).  I am sure there have been others, but honestly, these have mostly come from people close to me, like my mom, my PCOS tube-lacking sister (yup, even her), and my hubby for the "It will happen eventually" (yes, Moose, but I don't want to have to change your diapers when changing a bub's!).  No harm is meant by it, and I have brushed it off, or rather, ticked it off the list, like some exotic infertile bingo. 

So last week a comment finally pissed me off.  A coworker and sort-of friend commented on the miscarriage of her brother and sister-in-law.  "That's what you get for announcing it too early."

She had complained at length when the announcement was made a few months ago, and last week didn't really know much about when the miscarriage occurred or how they were taking it, but assumed they found out at their first scan.  "They should know better."  "That's why you don't announce it so early."  Etc etc.

Now she has got some personal issues, and is EXTREMELY jealous of her siblings and has some major issues with them and the roles they all play in the family unit, and I won't go into it here because while I doubt she will ever read this, I am not going to go about slagging her.  She is not a bad person, and no doubt had no idea how offended I was (on behalf of the SIL, but also for myself).

I resisted the urge to ball her out publicly, and resisted the urge to have a word to her in private.  She doesn't need to know about what happened to me last May.  Am I glad I didn't announce that I was pregnant?  Yes.  But it was so soon.  I was barely pregnant for 5 days.  I was still thinking about how and when to announce, and to who, and all that.  That BFP was a long time coming, and I was probably more aware than most about my chances for miscarriage.  But it was MY decision.  My choice.  And the Moose's too.

Could we have hid it for 12 weeks??  From my family, yes.  They are overseas.  From his mum, yes, she lives about 4 hours away and we see her every other month or so.  But I doubt we could have hid it from coworkers.  We work together in the winter, and someone would have probably thought to themselves "hmm...why is Tiggy puking again?  I didn't think she was that much of a drunk...", and word would have gone around.  Probably on facebook too, which would bring my family into the loop in a manner in which they would probably resent.  So, coworker, in this hypothetical world where I stayed pregnant, would I deserve a miscarriage if I had to announce before the 12 week mark??

My sister was lucky to get preggos straight off the pill with her first.  She was diagnosed PCOS when trying for number 2, and put on clomid.  She announced her pregnancy to the extended family at some family function or another (I don't remember what it was, but I was home for it and it must have been back around 2007 or so), and seriously, on the way home, had stomach pain so bad we took her straight to the hospital.  She had an ectopic that had or was about to rupture in one tube, and another ectopic that hadn't yet reached that stage in the other.  They had to take her tubes.  Did it happen because she had just announced to the whole family??  Did the gods smite her womb for having the gall to announce a pregnancy so early?  I don't think so. 

I also had a cousin who got a surprise BFP and announced to the family and it ended up an early miscarriage too.  Again, I don't think it "serves her right". 

Because of these experiences, I will admit, I think making that big announcement is bloody scary.  I have no idea when I would want to announce, were I to get a BFP again.  If I could hide it all the way to 40 weeks, I would consider it.  But I could announce early too.  I have supportive family that would pass the word of any miscarriage along without me having to even mention it to distant cousins and aunties.  So, let everyone know early and be happy/sad along with me, or try to minimize the risk of sharing that sadness should the bad thing happen again?  Tough decision.  But it is mine (and the Moose's).

It was/is/will always be coworker's SIL's choice.  If she wanted to announce it the day that second line appeared, that is her choice.  If she wanted to wait, it is her choice.  As far as I am concerned, she doesn't need to defend it either.  I only hope that if the brother and SIL are coming to New Zealand for xmas, that coworker can get it together and try to have a little empathy instead of just jealousy.  And if not, then I hope she can keep her trap shut.   

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