Last October Bubs was conceived the cycle following that last loss. We didn't find out until November, but October 25th, give or take 24 hours, wee Bubs was created. A year ago she was just a group of cells working her way towards a comfy home in the uterus.
I've been pretty flat out busy with my work project, with wee Bubs, and with moving the Moose's mother to the rest home up here (well, indirectly busy with the last part- the Moose's absence creates more work for me), but all the same I have been thinking a lot lately.
Those early losses, at the time, were a frustration. An obstacle to overcome. They were the loss of a dream, a goal, but not the loss of anything tangent. I don't think I really understood until holding Bubs, and even then, it has taken five months for me to really feel the loss of those other little lives that blinked into existence and just as quickly out. Maybe they were nothing more than cells with a genetic composition that could never mean life, or maybe they didn't stand a chance against a hostile uterus that didn't want them to implant. Maybe they could never have been. But when I look into Bub's eyes, I think about them. Would they have had eyes so blue? Hair so thick and dark? Would they have been smiley, happy bubbies? Would they have been shy, outgoing? Knowing my Bubs has enabled me to feel their loss as I hadn't felt it before. Not just the loss of a dream, but the loss of something real. The loss of little bundles that were a little bit Moose, a little bit Tig.
Now that I have Bubs, I can grieve them in a way I couldn't before. I understand now what I lost. And also what I have. Bubs is an amazing, mischievous little thing with the most amazing smile and often a naughty sparkle in the eye. She is my world.
I was on facebook this morning, and a friend had shared this piece on grief. It is a great read, and I really have to share it. Some people may not agree with it, and may prefer to believe things happen for a reason, and to me that is fine. It just isn't how I look at the world. I don't believe any of my early losses happened so that Bubs would happen. Each event happened, sure, but there is no causation there. Those losses happened. I love my Bubs, and I realize that if any of those earlier pregnancies had stuck, I wouldn't have Bubs. I would have a different Bubs, a Bubs I am sure I would love just as much as I love my Bubs. A different world. Those losses weren't meant to be, they weren't necessary to arrive at my Bubs, to make me love and appreciate her even more. To believe so, I think, cheapens the losses and places a lot of weight on Bub's shoulders.
Now for something a little lighter- my 5 month old cutie:
The hat she is wearing has little bear ears...she just moved around so much it was hard to keep them visible!! It is also hard to believe she is 5 months old!! 5 MONTHS!!!
**I think, given some of the things I said above, I would like to point something out. I am incredibly pro-choice. I know above I spoke of my losses from a "life begins at conception" side. That is sort of how I have looked at it lately. But that is my view, for my situation, in which a baby was desperately wanted, and it doesn't apply to everyone in every situation. I don't want in anyway to imply that my view is the "true" and "only" one. And I don't think I really implied that above, but nonetheless, I feel like it is important for me to add this wee note to my post.